Zuko's Psychic Consultation
by The Real Jacob Black
Summary: What happens when Jacob and Edward go to the Firenation?
1. Chapter 1

The boat landed at nightfall. Edward sauntered down the gangplank, Jacob trailing after him like the dog that he was. The moon was black, but the stars gave enough light to see by. He heard Jacob curse as he stubbed his toe on a large crate. Edward smiled sardonically. There was nothing quite as amusing as Jacob's pain.

"Next time warn me, you bloody blood-sucker," Jacob snarled.

Edward smirked. "I didn't know you were British, Dog." He continued walking down the dock, leaving Jacob fuming behind him. Not that he cared or anything remotely like that. Besides, it was the dog's own fault for taking the job.

A month ago, Alice had decided that she would put her "talents" to good use and start a psychic consultation business. Well, more like she had a vision of it happening. And with Renesmee going into college soon, Bella's job at Burger King would no longer be sufficient to pay the expenses. Bella refused to find a better paying job, so Edward had taken a position at Alice's company as an envoy. Basically, Alice would see the future, and Edward would relay it to the client.

Everything was going well until Jacob got it into his head that he should get a job too. He felt that, as her fiance, he should help pay for Renesmee's college expenses. And Alice suggested that he might have a job at her company. Jacob gratefully excepted, of course.

Well, for the first few weeks, they had no customers, so Edward hardly had to actually work with Jacob, aside from fetching thing for Alice (she thought that so long as they were there, they might as well be useful). But then they got a letter. Some Firelord Zuko wanting to know if his country would survive post-war trauma. Alice apparently thought the job required two people, so she sent Edward and Jacob, her lap dog.

Edward stopped beneath an old shack to wait for the mysterious client (who was only mysterious because it is kinder to say than "barking mad"). Pfft, Zuko. What a dumb name. Almost as dumb as Jacob.

He heard Jacob stumble in the dark (because he lacked awesome night vision) and curse loud enough to wake the dead. "Jacob, would you shut up? We don't know anything about this client, or this place, and don't want to attract any-"

"Hello, gentlemen." A hooded and cloaked figure stepped out of the shadows. Jacob bowed instinctively, but Edward stood as straight as a flagpole. He bowed to no man (or vampire).

"So," Jacob ventured, "Would you mind telling me why you decided to meet us here of all places?" Edward, of course, knew the answer, but then Jacob lacked awesome skillz (such as mind reading).

"Jacob, this is our client, Firelord Zuko. He wanted to meet us here so we wouldn't raise... Suspicions."

Zuko gave him an appraising look. "It would seem you've done your research."

"No, I just read minds."

"Right." The Firelord said it sarcastically. "Anyway, do you have my, ah, consultation?"

"Of course we do." Edward pulled an envelope from the deep folds of his khaki trench coat. "But, you have to pay first."

Zuko handed him a bag that jingled when he shook it. Edward handed him the envelope. Zuko nodded, and started to walk away, but turned back. "If you're not planning on leaving now, we could go get some drinks."

Jacob whooped. He loved partying. Which was the reason Edward disliked it. But if he left Jacob here, Alice would kill him.

"I guess I could have a few," he said cautiously.

"Well, come on then." Zuko walked around the shack, Jacob trailing after him like a... Well, a dog. Edward stood alone, musing. Should I go? If I don't, Jacob will surely get himself into some kind of trouble, since he lacks awesome skillz. Plus, he wanted to see what this Zuko fellow was like. He ran at his super-fast inhuman pace and caught up with the other two easily.

They walked a few blocks down the road, which was teeming with people even at this late hour. Zuko led them down alleys and twisty back streets, to avoid being followed (Edward read his mind again).


	2. Chapter 2

They left the bar in good spirits, laughing and joking and insinuating things. Then Zuko suddenly suggested, "Hey, we should go to a hotel."

Jacob stared at him blankly, for the alcohol had slowed his wits, but Edward was quick to grasp the situation (because he could read minds). He knew very well what Zuko intended. And he wasn't the least bit surprised. After all, no one could resist his sexy, sparkly body.

Edward nodded his head. "Yes, I think that might be best... We will have trouble getting back to our ship in our current states." Well, he wouldn't, of course, because he was a vampire, but Jacob was thoroughly drunk. Hearing a thump behind him, Edward turned to see Jacob sprawled on the ground. He inclined his eyebrow at Zuko in a very sexy manner, and they grabbed Jacob by his arms and dragged him bodily to the hotel.

They checked into the hotel in the middle of the night. The clerk gave them odd looks, wondering why a scintillating guy and the Firelord would be dragging an unconscious man up to a hotel room in the middle of the night (Edward actually didn't read his mind this time. The clerk plainly asked, "Why would a scintillating guy and the Firelord be dragging an unconscious man up to a hotel room in the middle of the night?" ). As he handed them the key, the clerk told them not to break anything, and if they got anything on the carpet there was oxyclean under the sink in the bathroom. Their room was on the fifth floor, so they took the elevator.

In the elevator, they met a LOL (little old lady), and the LOL (Lord of Laundry). The Little Old Lady asked if they were having a pleasant time, to which Zuko replied, "Not yet." The Lord of Laundry gave them a queer look, and Edward resisted the urge to read his mind, because he was sure he already knew what the LOL was thinking. Damn, that scintillating guy is so fucking sexy. I WANT. He smirked to himself. It was a cocky smirk, but if anyone had the right to be cocky it was him. I mean, come on, he was Edward-fucking-Cullen.


	3. Chapter 3

They managed to get Jacob up to the room without any further interruptions. Edward dumped Jacob unceremoniously onto the floor while Zuko got some drinks out of the mini bar. Edward smirked at that (again). "Why are getting drinks out? Don't you want to remember tonight?" He raised one eyebrow in a very sexy manner (wait, didn't I write this already?) as Zuko's face turned a bright red.

"Touche," he said, turned to put the drinks back in the fridge. Before he had taken two steps, however, Edward grabbed him by the arm, spun him around, and kissed him full on the mouth (well, he moves really, really fast, okay?). Zuko stuggled a bit, albeit feebly. Edward might have lost his head then, but he was a vampire, and vampires never loose their heads.

After a full minute, Edward let Zuko go (Edward might not need to breathe, but he had heard that his kisses left normal humans breathless).

"DO. NOT. WANT." Zuko said through clenched teeth, but his thoughts belied his words (we've been over this, Edward can read minds).

Edward wrapped his arms around the Firelord. "Oh come on, I can read minds."

At that moment, Jacob stirred. He opened his eyes and looked around, his feeble werewolf mind obviously confused. When he saw Edward and Zuko, however, he was quick to grasp the situation (god dammit, I need some new terms). "What are you two doing?"

"What does it look like we're doing, Dog (dog as in canine, not the ghetto "Dawg" )? We're about to make passionate love." Edward said in a scathing manner.

Zuko jumped. "What? You didn't tell me that's what we were doing!"

"Why should I? You'll go along with it easily enough. I foresaw it.(whoops, that's Alice's power) You won't be able to resist my sexyness anyway."

Jacob laughed. It was a barking sound, not at all sexy like Edward's laughs. Then he took off his pants and transformed into his werewolf form.

Zuko's eyes went wide. "You can't possibly think that we're going to let you smex us in that form, do you?"

"Yeah, seriously Jacob, change back or leave." Jacob gave a little whine, but changed back.

"You guys are jerks," he muttered.

Edward shrugged out of his shirt in a sexy manner, then took off his pants in a sexy manner. Then he started removing Zuko's ridiculous robes, which looked more like a wedding dress, but who cared since he wouldn't be wearing them much longer anyway?


	4. Chapter 4

At the sight of Zuko's nude form, Edward might have gone hard, if his whole body wasn't already that way permanently. Jacob for gotten, he pushed Zuko down on the bed and slid his package into Zuko's back door. The firelord shivered, possibly because Edward's body temperature was lower than 50 degrees Fahrenheit at the moment.

A hand grabbed his shoulder. Edward turned around to see Jacob, who he had forgotten about, standing behind him. "It's my turn, old man."

"I'll have you know that I am NOT old."

"Whatever. It's still my turn, and you're still over 100 years old."

"Ew, you didn't tell me you were OLD!" Zuko's voice was muffled by a pillow, but Edward heard him with his super vampire hearing.

Then Jacob transformed again. Edward didn't kill him like he threatened, he actually just nodded. So Jacob mounted him and started pumping away at his arse (which was sparkling, even though the sun was down). Jacob shivered, becasue Edward's body temperature was ridiculously low, like, freezing low. It was like a block of cold marble, well, more like a godly statue of cold marble.

And then Jacob said "OMG, I just came ;D" And pulled out of Edward and transformed back into his human form.

Then the phone one the side table rang. Jacob picked it up, seeing as he was the only one who was finished. "Hello?" he said.

"WHERE ARE YOU GUYS YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE BACK AN HOUR AGO ROAR!"

"Oh, hi Alice. Uh, Edward's kind of busy..."

"I DUN CARE, JUST COME BACK RIGHT AWAY. BELLA'S BEEN FIRED FROM HER JOB AND SHE IS DISTRAUGHT!"

"Okay, we'll be right there." Jacob hung up the phone and looked pointedly at Edward.

"Yes, yes, I know. I'll finish right up then we can leave," Edward said with a grunt.


End file.
